This topic contains 3 replies, has 0 voices, and was last updated by  NP-TheOutlaw 10 years, 10 months ago.

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  • #5045

    mooic
    Participant

    Just to continue on from the Caption competition…………

    Ill start with a few,

    2 blondes are walking down the road and they stumble across a mirror 1st one picks it up and looks at it and says “i know the face but cant put a name to it ?”
    so the second blonde grabs the mirror off her and says “are you stupid its me” !! 😀

    A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and
    spotted a woman below.
    He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse me, can you help me?
    I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I
    am.”

    The woman below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering
    approximately 30 feet above the ground.
    You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60
    degrees west longitude.”

    “You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.
    “I am,” replied the woman. “How did you know?”
    “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically
    correct,
    but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am
    still lost.
    Frankly, you’ve not been much help so far.”

    The woman below responded, “You must be in management.”
    “I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
    “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you are
    going.
    You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air.
    You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect
    people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly
    the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my
    fault.”

    😀 but very verry true, OK 1 more,

    man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, “A hamburger, fries and a coke,” and turns to the ostrich, “What’s yours?” “I’ll have the same,” says the ostrich.

    A short time later the waitress returns with the order. “That will be £ 9.40 please,” she says and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact amount for payment.

    The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, “A hamburger, fries, and a coke.” The ostrich says, “I’ll have the same.”
    Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact amount.

    For a while this becomes routine until the two enter again later in the week.

    “The usual?” asks the waitress. “No, this time it’s a treat, so I’ll have a steak, baked potato, and salad,” says the man. ” Yep! Same,” says the ostrich.

    Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, “That will be £32.62.” Once again the man pulls the exact amount out of his pocket and places it on the table.

    The waitress can’t hold back her curiosity any longer.

    “Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact money from your pocket every time?”

    “Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was clearing the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.”

    “That’s brilliant!” says the waitress. “Most people would wish for a couple of million pounds or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!”

    “That’s right. Whether it’s a pint of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

    The waitress asks, “But, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

    The man sighs, pauses, and replies, “My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs who agrees with everything I say.”

    Sorry, i had to do that one,

    LET THE TIRADE COMMENCE…………

    #36337

    mooic
    Participant

    HELLO, is anyone there! You can post your funniest jokes here 😉

    Just like this,

    a little boy runs up to his mother, saying “mummy, mummy! Why am I called Leaf?”
    His Mother replies: “because when you were a baby, a leaf fell on your head”.

    The next day, his little sister runs up, saying “mummy, mummy! Why am I called Petal?”
    Mother replies: “because when you were a baby, a petal fell on your head”.

    The next day, their little brother runs up, saying: “sgfkljds gflkfjd g 0fd0fdig-0gid gfdgfgfgfgfgf,,,,,.m mmmmagagggggggggggggg” *dribbles*.
    Mother says: “shut up, Fridge”.

    #36338

    hobbesme
    Participant

    In a quaint medieval village, magistrate Hugh faithfully governed & protected his tiny community. One year, a bunch of monks came to town selling flower seeds to the townspeople. However, Hugh knew these travelling monks were charlatans selling fake seeds to the innocent townsfolk so he gathered the town’s militia & ran the monks out of town.

    Morale of the story (highlight): Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.

    #36339

    Deathstryker
    Participant

    Here’s one I got in my email…

    Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush
    that Three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq . To everyone’s
    amazement, all of the color ran from Bush’s face, then he
    collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost
    whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked Rumsfeld, “Just
    exactly how many is a brazillion?”

    #36340

    NP-TheOutlaw
    Participant

    jokes thread

    & funny pics too.

    ahhhhhhh…after 100 straight rounds of Scorch..its good to know I can relax in my own Jacuzzi

    (log in to see picture)

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